Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and Recovering

In her new, meticulously researched book, bestselling author Peg Streep takes on verbal abuse and brings new insight and clarity to a subject muddied by that childhood rhyme: Sticks and stones may break my bones/But words shall never harm me.”Aimed at those who have experienced verbal abuse as children, as adults, or both, the book both examines verbal abuse and its myriad effects. Among the topics covered are:Why recognizing verbal abuse can be hard.How childhood experiences can make us more vulnerable to verbal abuse as adults.Why we may be apt to normalize verbal abuse. Why verbal abuse is always the foundation for physical abuse.Strategies to deal with and recover from verbal abuse.In the eight sections of Verbal Abuse—the Introduction and seven chapters—Streep delves into why verbal abuse is always about an imbalance of power and a tool for one person to maintain control over another. She draws on firsthand accounts as well as psychological research to paint a full picture of the dynamic.In Chapter 1, “The Face of Abuse: Myths ad Fact,” she lays bare the cultural confusion about verbal abuse, and takes a close look at bullying and relational aggression. She debunks myth after myth, including that of sibling rivalry being normal. A full list of verbally abusive behaviors, both overt and covert, provides a handy guide for the rest of the book.In Chapter 2, “What Science Knows,” she unwraps all the findings pertaining to verbal abuse and its effects on our childhood and adult selves, including our brains, personalities, and behaviors.Chapter 3, “ Why (and How) We Normalize Verbal Abuse,” reveals why the impulse to deny that someone you care about and love is verbally abusing you runs so deep. It explains why so many people blame themselves or think they are “deserving” of abusive treatment. Streep unmasks the psychological processes at play which, alone or in combination, will keep you stuck.Chapter 4, “Effects and Affect: How Verbal Abuse Changes Us,” examines both the direct effects of verbal abuse—how it diminishes self-esteem and leaves you unmotivated, makes you struggle with emotion, and more —but the indirect effects including unhealthy coping mechanisms. Favoritism and scapegoating—two of the worst dynamics in family life—are fully exposed with stories told by those who lived it. And the chapter explains how verbal abuse creates not just the narcissist but the echoist who lacks a voice. Chapter 5, “Breaking Free: Dynamics and Strategies” brings together science, expert opinions, and personal narratives to deliver the best of self-help. This part of the book lays out the complexities of emotional responses—from anger, feeling powerless, to feeling loss and desolation despite new-found relief—that can accompany getting out of a verbally abusive relationship.Chapter 6, “Who’s to Judge: the Culture and Verbal Abuse” unpacks the cultural misunderstandings that continue to dominate our discussion including a revelatory look at the roots of “tough love”—perhaps the most pernicious legacy of the 1970s—and how it enabled abuse in sports, most famously in gymnastics and elsewhere. Stuck in the shadows of physical abuse, verbal abuse has remained a stepchild in the court system too, often ignored or discounted, much to our detriment.The last chapter, “Looking Forward Boundaries and Understanding” examines how we all can choose our words more carefully and explains what “metamessages” are and what each of us can do both to decipher what others are saying beneath the surface and to make sure that we are using language to communicate, not to manipulate, whether we are speaking to a child or a peer. Read more